it started innocuously enough I noticed "Age Spots" appearing on the back of my hands,
ho hum not long till the bus pass so I guess it's only to be expected . . .
but then I noticed hard bumps appearing on my arms, they would grow over a week or so until they were actually protruding from my skin, rather like mini stalagmites I had to actually sand them down !
I decided on that course of action after I had picked one of course, only to go through a horrid hour of agony until the bleeding stopped
Off to the Doc to find out what is going on, it appears to be some variation on a wart,
Doc prescribes the stickiest ointment I have ever encountered, it's like axle grease only it has one quality that axle grease doesn't have, it covers everything,
I wipe my hands and then wash them and wipe them dry . . . somehow it's all over my keyboard !
I clean up the keyboard, all is well again, for now anyway, then I notice it's all over the screen on my phone !
I haven't even touched my phone . . . Have I . . . . am I going senile ?
I reach for drink and the glass threatens to slide through my grasp, HOW !
this stuff sticks like shit to a blanket on me, but on everything it isn't supposed to be on, it becomes the slipperiest substance in the world ! ! !
and what's worse . . . I have to apply this stuff for three weeks FOUR times a day !
crap knows what state my office, comp, phone, house will be in when I am done with this stuff
it doesn't bloody work !
Back to Doc and referred to Skin specialist, the specialist prescribes a cream instead of the ointment, blessed relief, this stuff gets rubbed in and doesn't get all over the house either . . . and it seems to be working a little,
There follows a few days of wiping down and re-wiping down the surfaces and objects in my house and office to remove the original ointment excess
a week later and the follow up Appt, Doc isn't happy that the cream isn't working fast enough so another prescription is handed out, this time for stuff I have to "Paint" on the bumps individually
I open the bottle and damn near pass out from the toxic fumes emanating from the damn thing
reads instruction leaflet, "use in a well ventilated area" OK then
I "Paint" the first of the bumps with this stuff and a little goes on unaffected skin HOLYHELLONAPURPLEMOPED ! ! !
Reads instruction leaflet again, "be careful not get any on unaffected areas" No Shit Sherlock ! it felt like it was burning through my skin, Salicyctic Lactic Acid is the substance, OH just like Bazuka, but of Chernobyl like strength ! !
still awaiting the next stage in the development of that ailment
in addition I have developed Haemorrhoids WTF that's an Old man's Proble . . . Dammitt
this involves yet another trip to the Doc and subsequent trip to Pharmacist of course to collect the appropriately Named "Anusol" ointment and suppositories, reminiscent of the days when you would go to the chemist for a "Packet of three" and be served by a female !
and yeah I get served by a girl ! ! !
even more OH great this involves an applicator that resembles the nose of a swordfish with a series of holes along it's 3 inch length to allow the ointment to flow, but this has to be inserted of course, to achieve this takes some contortions enabling the correct stance to apply the "treatment" with the least . . . shall I just say, Discomfort now I am broad minded enough but have just vowed off going gay !
but there's more of course, the suppository now has to be administered, again I strike the tiny Romanian Female circus act pose to achieve my aim !
DOUBLE not going gay !
after the OMFG of administrating it takes about ten minutes of Impersonating John Wayne's walk before anything approaching a normal gait can be attempted !
this could be a lifelong thing too !!
It's getting harder to keep food and drink where it belongs, everytime I lie flat whatever I have ingested that day threatens a reappearance, not in a vomity way, just coming back up the entrance it used to enter me !
Doc says it sounds like a Hiatus Hernia, which is a busted Sphincter, stop giggling up the back, there are over fifty sphincters in the human body, a biological opening controlled by a muscle to keep it closed, this one happens to be in my esophagus, a trip to the hospital scheduled for an investigation,
INVESTIGATION ! intrusion more like !
I am made to lie on my side while the sadist in charge of the "investigation" proceeds to insert a long tube down my throat ! GAG REFLEX ! tears stream from my eyes as I attempt not to regurgitate this instrument of torture, I can feel this bloody thing actually in the middle of my body !
"this might tickle a bit says the man from the Spanish Inquisition all I can think of is this guy has some twisted sense of humour if this evil contraption ripping pieces of my innards off for "Biopsy" purposes is tickling !
and then with a grin which is supposed to be a sympatheitic smile he says it's over . . . Lying B****** this thing hurts as much coming out as it did going in, as it finally leaves my mouth and I sigh with the relief the nurse fixes me with a knowing look and pats my head !
Triple not going gay !
And then there's "Lichen Planus" I had noticed a drying out of skin which progressed into a flakiness !
(bloody hell does this never end)
" a cell-mediated immune response of unknown origin"this just happened to be in a certain part that rarely gets seen these days if you follow my meaning !
proof if it were needed that a rolling stone gathers no moss, work it out for yourself . . . .
this was treated with a (Thankfully) soft cream application and was resolved in just over a week Phew !
But on a daily basis I go through a routine that a gymnast would be proud of, followed by ten to fifteen minutes of trying not to let any part of my body touch another part so that ointments and creams and paints don't contact each other which could result in who knows what chemical reaction, perhaps even, judging by the acid paint, self immolation ! !
and now I have a repeat prescription that needs collecting
the girl in the pharmacist thinks I keep inventing ailments just so I can see more of her . . . cute as she is, it's not true :-)
Honest I'm Sick !